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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29218257">Appointment with a Pantomime Dame</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176'>Tadpole4176</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Retirement Trouble [16]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Top Gear (UK) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cute, Fluff, Gen, Kidfic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:15:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,844</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29218257</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Top Gear just kept going… until someone thought he needed to retire? And what if Stig thought that was a bad idea?</p><p>One of Richard's favourite car makers has a new car out and he's desperate to drive it. Stig thinks he has a plan for a temporary fix. But Stig is also a member of the ambitious but rubbish Top Gear team...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond/James May</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Retirement Trouble [16]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953919</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Is he still sulking in his room?” James sighed.</p><p>“Pretty much, yeah,” nodded Jeremy, taking the proffered cup of coffee and moving to the sofa to enjoy it.</p><p>“How long do you think it’ll take?” asked James.</p><p>“Five years?” suggested Jeremy. “Give or take.”</p><p>“Pillock,” said James, calmly.</p><p>A knocking sound interrupted them, initially causing both of them to glance upstairs, wondering if Richard was up to something, possibly throwing things around his room in a huge tantrum. It was only after several, perfectly regular knocks that they recognised the sound as coming from the front door.</p><p>“What now?” grumbled James, depositing his tea on the table and moving to answer the door.</p><p>Jeremy shrugged. “I’m not expecting anyone.”</p><p>“Stig?” said James, in surprise. “What are you doing here? I thought you were filming on the track?”</p><p>Stig shook his head, then held his hand out parallel to the floor partway up his torso. Hamster height.</p><p>“He’s upstairs,” smiled Jeremy tiredly. “He’s not very happy.”</p><p>Stig nodded expectantly, obviously waiting for them to catch on.</p><p>“Stig? What?” asked James, after he’d stared at both of them for several minutes.</p><p>Stig put his hands on his hips, then held a single finger out, signalling them to wait, before disappearing to his car.</p><p>“I dread to think,” chuckled Jeremy wearily.</p><p>Stig reappeared holding a dramatically large spanner, waving it around as though he was fastening something.</p><p>“Oooh, I get it,” said James, suddenly. “You’ve come to fix something.”</p><p>Stig stared at him again, still somewhat impatient.</p><p>“You’ve come to fix Hamster?” asked Jeremy.</p><p>James sighed. “I suppose we were always afraid it’d come to this, should have known it’d be over a car.”</p><p>Stig shook his head, patting James’s shoulder, then grabbing his watch and holding his fingers close together.</p><p>“A small amount of time?” said Jeremy.</p><p>Stig nodded.</p><p>“A small change in time?” asked James.</p><p>“Or a big change for not very long?” suggested Jeremy.</p><p>Stig pointed to both of them.</p><p>“Both?” James raised his eyebrows. “You think you can make him a bit older for a little while?”</p><p>“All of us?” said Jeremy, catching something else Stig was trying to tell them. “All of us a little bit older for a little while.”</p><p>“How much?” asked James.</p><p>This time Stig’s meaning was easy to interpret, 8 fingers extended from his hands.</p><p>“And how long for?” he added.</p><p>1 or 2 was a clear, if uncertain, reply.</p><p>“Days or weeks?” asked Jeremy.</p><p>“Nod for days, shake for weeks,” put in James.</p><p>Stig nodded.</p><p>James looked at Jeremy, shrugging. “One or two days?” he mouthed. “Sounds OK.”</p><p>Jeremy nodded. “I’ll go get the sulking monster,” he said, heading up the stairs before James or Stig could make any further comment.</p><p>“And the car’s already at the track?” asked James.</p><p>Stig nodded, silently miming blowing a kiss, something James had never seen him do.</p><p>“That good?” said James, impressed. “We should definitely try then.”</p><p>A clatter at the top of the stairs revealed Jeremy returning, his hand holding on to a tearstained and clearly reluctant Richard, leading him down the stairs.</p><p>“What?” said Richard, petulantly.</p><p>“Stig has a plan,” grinned James. “He said it’ll only last for a day or two, but he thinks he can make us all around 8 years older briefly.”</p><p>Richard paused, his eyebrows raising and a faint grin crossing his face. “Really? Long enough for me to drive it?”</p><p>Stig nodded.</p><p>Richard moved forward shyly, wrapping his arms round the tall man in the white suit, stepping away after a moment and smiling guiltily at his two friends. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I know it wasn’t your fault really, I just… I really love that car.”</p><p>“Technically,” put in James, “you really love its predecessor, but I know what you mean.”</p><p>“The Pagani Te Fiti,” gasped Richard. “Their first electric car.” The awe in his voice touched all of them.</p><p>Jeremy slung his arm round the boy. “I know. This sounds like your best chance of driving it.”</p><p>“I’m in!” Richard nodded vigorously. Hard enough that James was vaguely worried his head might come loose.</p><p>“There are risks,” pointed out James. “Stig’s ideas don’t always work out.”</p><p>Richard smiled. “Ambitious but rubbish. He does work with us.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jeremy rolled over in bed, squinting at the clock in an effort to decide whether he needed to get up urgently or not. The clock seemed to be in his favour, the numbers ticking over on to 7:11, early enough that there was no great emergency, even if they were due at the track a bit later on.</p>
<p>Got to leave plenty of time for Richard to have a go in the Te Fiti. Jeremy blinked, his brain catching up with his vague thoughts. Stig’s attempt to let Richard drive!</p>
<p>Abruptly, Jeremy sat up in bed, initially touching his face. Did he feel older? What did Stig say, 8 years? He should be about 30? His face probably wasn’t going to do it. He slid out of bed, both reluctant and keen, and headed to the bathroom to peer at himself in the mirror.</p>
<p>His heart sank.</p>
<p>“Ambitious but rubbish,” groaned Jeremy at his reflection, brushing back his even bushier hair in an attempt to get it to lie down. There, in front of him, stood his teenage self.</p>
<p>This was not what was meant to happen.</p>
<p>He straightened up, trying to get a feel for how many inches he’d lost. It didn’t seem so bad though, a few but he wasn’t a small child or anything. Possibly James sized – that’d be weird for a couple of days, looking James right in the eye. Still, if Stig had borrowed his years to lend them to Richard, that could work, he’d always been tall enough to convince people he was older than he actually was.</p>
<p>Plus, more importantly, he was still taller than Richard, no matter what.</p>
<p>A noise outside alerted him to movement from one of the others. Jeremy braced himself, ready for at least a degree of ridicule and suddenly intimately aware of how Richard felt in those early days – maybe even still did.</p>
<p>“Don’t say a thing,” he blustered as he opened the door, everything else he was about to say dying on his lips as he caught sight of James. “Oh,” he added.</p>
<p>“I think you mean, oh cock,” replied James, one eyebrow raised just like normal, though the face it was raised in was dramatically changed.</p>
<p>“We’ve both gone the wrong way,” observed Jeremy. “Though you did say you were fed up of being a teenager.”</p>
<p>“This wasn’t what I had in mind,” observed James. “But more importantly, since this is temporary, did Hamster go the right way? Did Stig give him our years?”</p>
<p>“I have to admit,” said Jeremy. “I’m feeling less confident than I was.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” sighed James. “I really don’t envy Hamster this one long term, I think I’m going to be hard pushed to last the promised day without losing it.”</p>
<p>Jeremy grinned, reaching down to pat James on the shoulder. “You’re still a lot taller than Hamster was yesterday.”</p>
<p>James slapped her face. “If he did grow up I’m going to be shorter than Hamster! For hours!”</p>
<p>Bursting out with laughter, Jeremy pushed at the door to Richard’s room. “Let’s put us all out of our misery, shall we?” He stepped inside, James following quickly after him.</p>
<p>The tent over Richard’s bed hid him from view initially, so firstly Jeremy had to move it aside. As he was pushing it fully out of the way, James gasped.</p>
<p>“Oh, really, cock.”</p>
<p>Jeremy glanced down, his heart sinking. There wasn’t much of Richard visible outside the duvet, just the top of his head, but nonetheless it was clear that he hadn’t grown to full size. The lump under the duvet was far too small.</p>
<p>In fact, unless Richard was sleeping completely curled up…</p>
<p>James, who was probably thinking the same thing, placed his hand on the sleeping form of their friend, and gave him a small shake. “Hamster?” He whispered.</p>
<p>The shape under the duvet started to move, the head slowly emerging to reveal a tiny, chubby face with slightly wild brown hair and enormous brown eyes.</p>
<p>“Oh, Hamster,” gasped Jeremy, staring at the minute body of his friend.</p>
<p>“Wh…?” began Richard, before realising how his voice sounded and looking down. “Oh, that’s not gone well.”</p>
<p>He rubbed his hand through his hair, a familiar gesture that looked all wrong on his tiny body, then added. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to drive the Te Fiti.” He peered more carefully at Jeremy and James. “Or you, by the looks of it!” He hiccupped, and for a moment Jeremy thought he was going to cry, then instead he burst into peals of laughter.</p>
<p>“This is just ridiculous,” he wheezed, in his small, childish voice.</p>
<p>“At least after this you’ll never feel bad about being twelve again,” observed James. “And you can’t accuse me of not knowing how you feel.”</p>
<p>Richard smiled, his mouth revealing two rows of milk teeth. “That’s true, you must be about eleven or twelve.” He nodded his head towards Jeremy. “What do you think? What about the orang-utan?”</p>
<p>James shrugged. “Shorter than normal, but probably not massively.”</p>
<p>Jeremy rolled his eyes. “I’m about 6ft, which makes me around 14 from what I can remember. 6ft is the point where I started really being taller than most men, it stands out in my memory.”</p>
<p>Richard snorted. “You mean the point where despite you looking youthful, you were so tall all the pubs stopped assuming you were under age?”</p>
<p>“There was a degree of that,” admitted Jeremy.</p>
<p>“I’m afraid to ask,” said Richard, looking down at his hands.</p>
<p>“Just a day,” said Jeremy, reaching out one enormous hand and grabbing Richard’s tiny ones. “Don’t worry about it. No one else needs to see you.”</p>
<p>“Maybe 3 or 4 years old?” suggested James. “I don’t think you need to worry about anyone trying to send you to school today.”</p>
<p>“Ha ha,” groaned Richard, flopping back down onto the mattress, sideways, in frustration. “That Stig is a menace!”</p>
<p>Jeremy grinned, genuinely amused, and relieved. He reached out to grab his tiny friend out of bed, Richard accepting the gesture and wrapping his arms round Jeremy’s neck. As the much bigger boy lifted, the T-shirt Richard had been wearing unravelled itself right down his legs, leaving his pyjama bottoms to simply fall off his legs.</p>
<p>“I think,” said James, studying his to mismatched friends with some scepticism, then looking at his own oversized T-shirt. “We might need to sort out some clothes.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>…………………………………………</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ten minutes later, Jeremy was more comfortably attired in some of James’s clothes, and James was loosely wearing some of adult Richard’s clothes with the trousers turned up a bit, having decided that age 12 Richard’s clothes were just a bit too tight for comfort. Richard, however, still wore the oversized T-shirt.</p>
<p>“I think we’re going to need outside help for you,” observed James, looking down at Richard, still dressed in the giant T-shirt.</p>
<p>Richard returned his gaze. “You said we didn’t need to see anyone,” he accused, his face colouring, crossing his arms across his chest.</p>
<p>A knock on the door distracted James before he could reply to that.</p>
<p>Jeremy looked at the two others, both children, and straightened himself up. “I’ll get it,” he offered as Richard actually moved to hide behind him. “You hide behind James,” he added.</p>
<p>The door swung open to reveal Stig, standing silently waiting with his arms crossed.</p>
<p>“Stig!” exclaimed Jeremy. “It didn’t go well.”</p>
<p>The Stig, nodded slowly, uncrossing his arms and walking past Jeremy into the house, patting Jeremy on the head as he did so, though the oldest boy was more or less the same height as Stig himself.</p>
<p>“Stig?” said Jeremy. “I didn’t invite you in!”</p>
<p>“It’s OK,” whispered Richard, slowly emerging from behind James. “I guess he needs to know. Just in case he decides to practice his skills on us again.”</p>
<p>The Stig shrugged, reaching into his, unexpectedly large, pockets and handing something to Richard.</p>
<p>The boy unfolded the item, peering at it suspiciously. “You knew! You knew this was a possibility and you never told us!” Richard protested, stepping forwards and thumping Stig on the thighs with his tiny hands. “Why didn’t you tell us?”</p>
<p>As Stig leaned his head down to peer at Richard, his hands moving to his hips.</p>
<p>Before Stig could react further, Jeremy reached down and grabbed Richard, lifting him out of the way. “I know you said it could go wrong,” put in Jeremy, holding his hand up to keep Stig away from Richard, resting on his other arm. “But he’s really little, he was surprised.”</p>
<p>The Stig nodded again, looking at all three boys silently, then turned to leave.</p>
<p>“Sorry, Stig,” said Richard, wriggling away from Jeremy and sliding down his leg to reach the racing driver. “I was just surprised. Thanks for the clothes.”</p>
<p>Stig bent down and lifted Richard into the air, hugging him, then gently placing him back on the ground before holding a finger up at the older boys then walking back out of the front door and driving away.</p>
<p>The three boys watched him leave in silence, until eventually James caught Jeremy’s eye and they started giggling.</p>
<p>“He’s a fully-fledged member of the team now,” laughed Jeremy. “Ambitious and spectacularly rubbish.”</p>
<p>Richard reached for his new trousers, hastily pulling them on before changing his T-shirt for the slightly more reasonable one Stig had provided, albeit with some uncoordinated wriggling and jiggling that James ended up rescuing him from.</p>
<p>“Do you think that finger was a warning?” asked James.</p>
<p>“Probably,” agreed Jeremy. “Mess with my Hamster and die?”</p>
<p>“I think it’s him we need to keep Hamster away from,” observed James. “If he gets any smaller we’re actually going to need a hamster cage.”</p>
<p>“I’m right here!” grumbled Richard, ineffectually.</p>
<p>“Really?” teased Jeremy. “You’re easy to miss down there.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Breakfast,” said James, moving them on. “I refuse to worry about anything else until I’ve had a cup of tea and some breakfast.”</p><p>Jeremy, looking down at miniature James, grinned broadly. “Same old James,” he laughed. “Do you think he should be allowed to use the kettle?” he asked Richard, semi seriously.</p><p>“I don’t think I want to tell him he can’t,” giggled Richard, running off after James.</p><p>Jeremy watched him go, chuckling to himself at the sight of his tiny friend bouncing off across the room. “As long as he doesn’t get hold of the kettle,” he told himself as he meandered after them. He hadn’t even made it to the kitchen when there was a loud thump.</p><p>He looked up, instantly worried that he should have banned an 11 year old James from touching the kettle, even if the younger boy wouldn’t have taken it well, but then it wasn’t James who was lying on the floor injured.</p><p>“Hamster!” exclaimed Jeremy, bending down to pick up the small boy. “What happened?”</p><p>Richard blinked up at him, one small fist reaching up to swipe across slightly watery eyes. “I think I hit the door handle.”</p><p>Jeremy winced, squeezing the small figure sympathetically and rubbing at his head, before striding into the kitchen, not at all worried that James might also be causing trouble.</p><p>“What now?” asked James, his eyebrow raised.</p><p>“Hazardous door handle,” grinned Jeremy, “apparently Hamster didn’t approve of it and thought he’d head-butt it.”</p><p>“I just wasn’t expecting it,” protested Richard.</p><p>“I don’t think we should trust him in the kitchen at all,” said James, warily. “Why don’t you take him back out again and I’ll make breakfast?”</p><p>“You’re 11,” pointed out Jeremy. “We’ve recently learnt that 11 or 12 isn’t brilliant in the kitchen either.”</p><p>“I’m not Richard,” retorted James, grumpily. “I’m taller, more careful, more coordinated and a better cook - at any age.”</p><p>“You’re sure then?”</p><p>“Yes, positive, take him away! Quickly!”</p><p>“Hey!” protested Richard.</p><p>“Accept that you don’t have to cook and move on,” whispered Jeremy, confident that he didn’t want to argue with James. He placed Richard on the ground again and watched him run back out of the kitchen, narrowly avoiding the door handle on the way.</p><p>“I rest my case,” said James. “Now, I’m quite competent here, thank you very much, go and make sure he doesn’t impale himself on anything else.”</p><p>“You’re putting me in charge of health and safety?” asked Jeremy.</p><p>James stared at him. “Cock. We’re doomed.”</p><p> </p><p>…………………………………</p><p> </p><p>Richard couldn’t explain it. Shrugging off James’s entirely unfounded worries, he found himself running back into the lounge. Then jumping on the sofa. Then running again. He wanted to jump on the unicycle, but his legs weren’t long enough, so he headed for the front door – maybe he could run about in the front garden. He just needed to run.</p><p>“Hamster!” Jeremy.</p><p>Richard looked back, noting the entrance of the giant as he grabbed a second book to stand on in order to reach the door knob. “What?”</p><p>“What are you doing? You haven’t had enough bumps for one first-thing-in-the-morning-before-breakfast?” queried Jeremy, crossing the room towards Richard impressively quickly.</p><p>“I just thought there’d be more space to run about,” shrugged Richard, not really sure what Jeremy was worried about. “No door handles either.”</p><p>Jeremy snorted. “Good thinking. Don’t you think it could wait until after breakfast though?”</p><p>Richard considered. It was hard to explain, but that sounded like a lot of waiting.</p><p>“Ready!” called James.</p><p>“Yes, it can wait,” replied Richard, running back towards James and leaping onto his chair at the table.</p><p>James stared at him, then handed him a plate of jam on toast and placed a mug of tea next to it, though Jeremy pilfered it before Richard even went near it.</p><p>“Maybe milk,” whispered Jeremy, not at all subtly. “Trust me.”</p><p>“I don’t like milk,” sulked Richard, reaching back towards the tea.</p><p>“Maybe if I hold it,” suggested Jeremy, causing James to look at him even more strangely.</p><p>“Really?” said Richard. “You do remember that I’m 60?”</p><p>“In the last 5 minutes you’ve head-butted a door handle, run around the room like a lunatic and made a stack of books to climb out of the house, I don’t trust you,” replied Jeremy.</p><p>“James is little too,” pointed out Richard. “How come you trust him?”</p><p>“You’re kidding, right?” said Jeremy. “James was born middle aged! At 11 he’s probably in his fifties.”</p><p>Richard couldn’t help himself, he giggled.</p><p>“You insufferable oaf!” complained James, smiling nonetheless.</p><p>“Also,” added Jeremy. “You’re now entirely covered in jam.”</p><p> </p><p>………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>Jeremy watched in amusement as tiny, less than a metre’s worth of no longer sticky (mostly) Richard Hammond grabbed James and dragged him into the lounge, babbling excitedly about the advantages of being a kid – something James clearly wasn’t on board with, even for 5 minutes.</p><p>“Look, James, you’re small enough to bounce on the sofa,” pointed out Richard, climbing onto the poor, defenceless sofa and bouncing himself for emphasis.</p><p>“I know I look like I’m 11,” said James. “But I’m still bigger than you were yesterday, and I still know in my head that I’m a grown man.”</p><p>Richard shrugged. “I’m apparently four…”</p><p>“… and you look like you’re three,” put in James.</p><p>The smaller boy glared. “And I’m definitely not going to get to drive that car now, but you know I think I’m past caring, this is fun!” He bounced again, leaning forwards precariously as he did so in an attempt to pull James up with him.</p><p>James rolled his eyes. “Fine. Just because I can.” He stepped onto the sofa and bounced. Gently, initially then speeding up and Richard continually crashed into him and he had to bounce out of the way. Jeremy walked into the room just as James bounced right off the sofa – in Richard’s typical style – and he had to catch him before he headed across the room.</p><p>“Ooof,” commented Jeremy.</p><p>“Not my idea,” protested James, stepping away quickly.</p><p>“Jez!” called Richard.</p><p>Jeremy turned away from James to pay full attention at the remaining bouncing figure on the sofa.</p><p>“Geronimo!” Richard deliberately launched himself at Jeremy, the bounce lifting him high enough to be aiming for the older boy’s torso.</p><p>“Ooof, again,” laughed Jeremy. “Do we need to be going to a soft play area or something?”</p><p>“That would be good actually,” nodded Richard. “I was already too old to go on those when they came out.”</p><p>“Really?” sighed James. “Hamster, I thought you didn’t want to see anyone?”</p><p>Richard shrugged. “No one’s going to believe I’m me anyway!”</p><p>“Can’t you take him?” asked James, turning to Jeremy. “I can’t think of anything I’d like to do less.”</p><p>“Well what do you have in mind, hide in your room and read until it goes away?” asked Jeremy.</p><p>“Or go and take a look at the Pagani?” suggested James. “That was what got us into this in the first place.”</p><p>“Oooo, that is true,” agreed Richard. “I could still sit in it.”</p><p>“You’d probably even fit in the back seat,” put in Jeremy.</p><p>“But then we’ll have witnesses to this travesty,” realised James, looking down at himself. “I’m dressed in Hamster’s clothes, he looks like a toddler and I think you’re developing acne!”</p><p>“I am not!” protested Jeremy, rubbing his face.</p><p>Richard shrugged. “I think I’ve run out of embarrassment.”</p><p>“We’re going to need the Stig,” said James.</p><p>The others stared at him.</p><p>“Well who else is going to take us somewhere without blabbering on about how we look?” he added. “Plus he’s already seen us.”</p><p>“I think I can manage to drive,” said Jeremy. “I don’t think that’s a worry.”</p><p>“You’re 14!” hissed James.</p><p>“That’s not what my licence says.”</p><p>“That says you’re 70,” the younger boy pointed out.</p><p>“True, but…”</p><p>“Stig,” nodded Richard. “Don’t think I fancy a taxi.”</p><p>“Ask him to bring a car seat,” called James, as Jeremy headed off to attempt to summon Stig. “The one we have is no good for this.”</p><p>Richard looked up at him. “Really?”</p><p>“If you’re making me go in a soft play area, then really,” agreed James.</p><p>The small boy grinned. “Just bring a book – you’ll be fine! It’s a school day, it won’t be that loud.”<br/><br/></p><p>…………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>“So where have you…?” Jeremy barely had the door open before Andy’s voice could be heard, scolding them for not turning up.</p><p>Trying to, anyway. Richard sidled up to Jeremy, looking up at Andy with his most impressive puppy dog eyes expression yet.</p><p>“Oh,” said Andy. “I’m still complaining that you didn’t tell me what was going on.” He glanced down at Richard, warily. “Even if Hamster is too little and cute to shout at just now.”</p><p>“Sorry, Andy,” apologised Jeremy, reaching down to pick Richard up as he did so. “We were a bit distracted with small stuff. We were hoping Stig might give us a lift in, but I’m told the effects of this are temporary, so I’m not sure you want us to do any filming today.”</p><p>Andy’s face relaxed into a grin. “I remember you looking like this,” he chuckled. “How did this happen this time?”</p><p>James wandered over to join them, his body language self-conscious as he thrust his hands into his pockets. “Stig thought he might be able to temporarily age Hammond, so that he could drive the Te Fiti.”</p><p>Andy sighed. “That went well then.”</p><p>“As ever,” put in Richard.</p><p>“How long?”</p><p>James stepped in again. “Stig said a day, maybe two initially.”</p><p>Andy glanced up at Jeremy, a worried look crossing his face. “Are you…?”</p><p>“We’ll be fine,” said Jeremy, “I’m not worried about needing anyone around, just not really legal to drive.”</p><p>“Hence Stig here,” commented Andy, dryly.</p><p>“Well he’s a driver, and it is his fault!” protested Jeremy.</p><p>Stig, who up until this point had simply stood with them looking bored, stepped forward into Jeremy’s face, clearly not pleased with the comment.</p><p>“Sorry, Stig, I know you warned us,” added Richard quietly.</p><p>Stig nodded firmly, patting Richard on the head before squeezing past Jeremy and Andy into the lounge.</p><p>“Are you trying to tell me that you called Stig in order to get into work?” asked Andy.</p><p>“Well, almost,” winced Jeremy. “We were going to take in a play barn first.”</p><p>“Not all of us were in favour,” added James.</p><p>“But it’s a big opportunity,” added Richard. “I’ve never really tried it before.”</p><p>Andy surveyed the group of them carefully. “You’re right, without being able to drive, or really do anything on camera, you three are just sightseers of the Pagani. I’ll need Stig to test it, and James you’re welcome to come along, maybe act as proof when we’re trying to persuade them to let us keep hold of it for an extra couple of days. There’s a play barn just round the corner from the studio, so we can drop Jez and Hamster off there on the way – that’ll keep them both out of trouble.”</p><p>“Yess!” said Richard, raising his tiny, stubby arms in the air and nearly clobbering Jeremy in the face.</p><p>“As if we’d get into trouble,” protested Jeremy, grinning.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Come on, Jez, you can come in too,” beckoned Richard, beaming all over his face at the prospect of throwing himself around the almost deserted play barn.</p><p>“I’m too big,” protested Jeremy, looking back to eye up the small kiosk selling coffee.</p><p>“All the kids have got an adult to help, it’s a big opportunity for you – while your knees and back won’t complain.”</p><p>Jeremy looked down at Richard sceptically.</p><p>“I don’t want to go on my own, OK! Come on.”</p><p>“I’m going to get stuck,” worried Jeremy.</p><p>“You’ll be fine, you’re smaller than normal too.” Richard grabbed Jeremy’s hand and led him into the main section of the apparatus.</p><p>“Marginally,” grunted Jeremy, ducking at a low door before Richard could drag him right into it.</p><p>“Just crawl! It’s all padded.” Richard was practically vibrating with excitement. Moments later, he disappeared round the corner, expertly hurdling a barrier that looked completely unmanageable for his size and swinging across a cargo net on a rope before finding a gun that shot sponge balls and targeting Jeremy.</p><p>“Hamster! I thought you wanted me to come!” Jeremy held his arms over his face.</p><p>“Yes,” grinned Richard. “That doesn’t mean you don’t make good target practice!”</p><p>“You!” Jeremy stepped forward, clearing the cargo net in one long stride and lifting a giggling Richard away from the gun. “My turn, I’d run for it, Hamster!”</p><p>Richard squeaked, then launched himself onto the rope, swinging away from Jeremy even as his friend started pelting him with balls, giggling madly.</p><p>“You’re right, Hamster, this is good fun,” called Jeremy as Richard hid round the corner.</p><p>“Slide?” suggested Richard, poking his head out briefly, then ducking out of the way again quickly, a ball sailing past as he did so.</p><p>Jeremy rolled his eyes, but obeyed, leaving the ball gun for another kid and scrambling away after Richard, barely avoiding another small child and his mother who were heading directly towards him.</p><p>“Lost him?” The Mum smiled sympathetically.</p><p>“Did you see which way he went?” asked Jeremy, genuinely unsure.</p><p>The kid pointed, silently gazing up at Jeremy until he had moved sufficiently far away.</p><p>“Hamster,” said Jeremy, once he caught up with his miniaturised friend, “that kid back there just stared at me.”</p><p>Richard shrugged. “Little kids do that, don’t they? Are you scared?”</p><p>“No.” Jeremy put his hands on his hips, indignantly.</p><p>“Come on then, race you down the slide!” Richard immediately dived onto the slide, headfirst, leaving Jeremy to take one of the other lanes and chase after him. The taller boy didn’t stand a chance, whilst Richard practically flew down the slide and hurled himself into the ball pool at the bottom, Jeremy found himself stuck every time the slide hit a bump.</p><p>“I’m not built for this!” yelled Jeremy, enjoying himself nonetheless.</p><p>Richard responded by throwing one of the balls at him.</p><p> </p><p>………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>The Pagani was as ridiculous to look at as ever, James had to admit, sorry again that Richard wouldn’t get to drive it, the man – boy – really loved those cars. He stroked his hand down the side of the car, leaving Andy to sort everyone out and Stig to do his own thing. A safely ignored child, just like Richard had said at new year.</p><p>James didn’t mind that, but as he made contact with the car they’d been trying to help his friend to drive, he made a decision to spend his day in the life getting an appreciation for what it was like being 11.</p><p>Or 12.</p><p>He turned back to the car. First, before this crazy beauty took a trip with Stig around the track, and before he walked a mile in the hamster’s shoes, he should get to sit in the car. Glancing back at Andy, James opened the door and climbed in. The seat was too far back, of course, but that wasn’t important – he didn’t need to move it. He placed his hands on the steering wheel, taking in the buttons and gizmos, the dashboard and the – not very good – visibility. He might not know what it was like to drive, but it looked stunning.</p><p>“James?” Andy looked round.</p><p>“Here!” called back James, sitting up a little higher and waving at Andy.</p><p>Andy grinned, walking round to the driver’s side to talk to James. “You like it?”</p><p>“Well, I’m not Hammond, but yes, it’s lovely. They’ve done a good job again,” replied James.</p><p>“Think you can have a think about a bit of a script? Make things go a bit faster when we get all of you back in one piece?”</p><p>“Yeah, no problem. You think Jezza and Hamster are going to return from a play barn in one piece? Very optimistic of you.”</p><p>“Always got to hope,” laughed Andy.</p><p>“I was expecting them to sprint in here chased by an angry mob with pitchforks,” grinned James. “Or possibly on fire.”</p><p> </p><p>…………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>Jeremy and Richard sauntered along the road, heading towards the studio down the winding country lanes surrounding it. Richard, despite his exercise, was bouncing around all over the road, babbling about the play barn and how much he’d enjoyed it.</p><p>“Hamster, there’s a tractor coming,” pointed out Jeremy, trying to attract the younger boy’s attention.</p><p>“It’s fine, there’s plenty of space!” grinned Richard, demonstrating that he was close to the side of the road.</p><p>“Hamster, really,” repeated Jeremy, looking in alarm at the approaching tractor.</p><p>Richard finally quietened, looking up at Jeremy in puzzlement, leaning slightly closer to the hedge.</p><p>Exasperated, Jeremy leaped across the road in front of the tractor and grabbed him, causing the tractor to swerve slightly away from him and beep loudly, the bucket at the front of the tractor narrowly missing Jeremy’s shoulder.</p><p>“What are you doing?” asked Richard. “He nearly hit you!”</p><p>The farmer clearly thought the same, stopping the tractor and jumping down from the cab to have a word with Jeremy. “You…” he began, stopping in his tracks and staring in shock for a moment as he caught sight of Richard and registered what had actually happened. “I hadn’t seen him at all,” he added quietly, swallowing.</p><p>“Sorry,” said Jeremy, clutching Richard unexpectedly tightly.</p><p>The farmer caught Jeremy’s eye, understanding passing between them, before he left without another word, climbing back onto the tractor and rumbling away.</p><p>“You just nearly got run over!” exclaimed Richard in the newly returned quiet.</p><p>“So did you!” pointed out Jeremy. “Impressive given there’s hardly any traffic. You do realise the cars can’t see you down there?”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Richard looked up at him, his big brown eyes widening.</p><p>“You’re down here!” exclaimed Jeremy, exaggerating a little as he held his hand somewhere near his knee. “You’re below the bumper! There’s a reason parents hang on to toddlers and it’s not only their tendency to run off.”</p><p>“Oh,” said Richard, his eyes filling with tears as he wrapped his arms round Jeremy’s neck, finally feeling Jeremy’s fear. “You still nearly got run over too,” he sniffed.</p><p>“At least he knew he was going to hit me,” said Jeremy softly, rubbing at Richard’s back. “Come on, how about a ride on my shoulders, then everyone will be able to see you.”</p><p>Richard laughed, a sort of watery coughing sound. “Yeah, that sounds good.”</p><p>Jeremy’s big hands wrapped round Richard’s waist, lifting him easily over his head and placing him onto his shoulders comfortably. Once he landed, the smaller boy immediately wrapped his arms round the top of his friend’s head. “Better,” said Jeremy, heaving a sigh of relief.</p><p>“Better,” agreed Richard, relaxing his chin against Jeremy’s curls.</p><p>Jeremy glanced up at the darkening clouds. “You’ll keep me dry if it starts raining too.”</p><p>Richard flicked at his curls in retaliation. “Ape!”</p><p> </p><p>……………………………………………………</p><p> </p><p>As soon as Stig and the Te Fiti pulled up, Jeremy, James and Richard all piled out of the studio, Richard running as fast as his legs would go towards the car, heedless of the others chuckling behind him.</p><p>“It’s a great looking car,” conceded Jeremy, turning to James, trying not to be put off by the younger boy’s unusual lack of height – somehow more striking in James than he’d ever found it in Richard.</p><p>“Gorgeous,” agreed James. “I took a good look earlier, then Andy had me making notes for a script.” He held up a small, rumpled pile of papers covered in slightly-less-neat-than-usual handwriting.</p><p>“Later,” grinned Jeremy, “I need to perform my own inspection first.” He glanced back at the car, and the small person stroking its bonnet. “And we need to keep an eye on him.”</p><p>James raised his eyebrows. “Really? Had fun at the play barn, did you?”</p><p>Jeremy chuckled. “The play barn is designed to keep little people safe, it was more me that nearly got into trouble there. Walking over here, however. Let’s just say that he has even less of a sense of preservation than normal.”</p><p>James spluttered. “That bad?”</p><p>“Jez, James, you’ve got to come look at it! They’ve done it again, it’s amazing!” Richard raced up to both of them, his excitement radiating from every pore of his body.</p><p>“It’s lovely, Hamster. I took a good look at it while ago while you were busy playing with the babies.”</p><p>“It needed to be done!” protested Richard. “I shot some balls at Jezza.”</p><p>James glanced up at the taller boy. “Good job,” he snorted.</p><p>“I feel targeted,” complained Jeremy, following the tiny speed hamster to the car. “It is a stunning piece of machinery though. I feel like I’m looking at Angelina Jolie.”</p><p>James and Richard looked at him in mild distaste as one. “That just doesn’t sound right when you’re in that body,” explained James.</p><p>“What? I’m supposed to be 14!”</p><p>“Yeah, but she’s in her fifties!”</p><p>“I still think it’s fine, as long as Hamster doesn’t say anything like that,” declared Jeremy. “At least while anyone’s listening. Including me.”</p><p>“That would be disturbing,” agreed James.</p><p>“As if! It’s only him that says stuff like that,” insisted Richard.</p><p>“Make me a promise,” muttered Jeremy, turning back to the car, then climbing into the driver’s seat. “Am I allowed to drive this?”</p><p>“No!” yelled Andy, making all three of them jump with his unexpected eavesdropping. “I’ve been told that you’re technically 14 today, and therefore definitely not eligible to drive the ridiculously expensive super car we have on loan today.”</p><p>“Jez?” asked Richard, opening the car door again to peer at the dashboard.</p><p>Jeremy turned to look at the small boy, stood beside him in the doorway as he sat in the driver’s seat of the super car, but still significantly lower down than he was.</p><p>“Can I sit on your knee and pretend to drive it?” Richard asked in a rush.</p><p>Jeremy rolled his eyes, amicably. “As long as I get a go afterwards, I haven’t done my lap in my head yet!”</p><p>“Never mind that,” put in James. “Question is, is he going to have an imaginary crash?”</p><p>“Gits,” muttered Richard, deliberately not being careful as he clambered onto Jeremy’s knee. “I’m an excellent driver. Or I will be.”</p><p>“Eventually,” laughed James.</p><p>“Shh,” whispered Jeremy. “He’s got pointy elbows and he’s far too close to some sensitive areas.” But even as he spoke, he reached his hands out to steady Richard, letting him lean forward and play with the buttons on the steering wheel, beaming all over his face.</p><p>Andy, standing on the passenger side, dug into his pocket and whipped out his phone, quickly framing and taking a picture. His three presenters in miniature, with this magnificent car. Sometimes, even though it mucked up filming, Stig’s little accidents did have their benefits.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Why am I so tired?” groaned Richard, flopping back against their sofa dramatically. “It’s not like we did a lot today.”</p><p>James stared at him in mild disbelief. “You’re 4, and you’ve been running round like a lunatic all day – not that that’s unusual for you. Why are you surprised?”</p><p>“I’ve been a kid for months,” said Richard.</p><p>“A big kid,” replied James, patiently. “Like me. And trust me, I don’t know how you’ve done it for months, I’ve had enough after a day.”</p><p>Richard grinned slowly. “You’re used to being tall, I think that makes a difference.”</p><p>James nodded, and allowed, “Perhaps.” Though he doubted that was all of it, certainly he was aware of a level of indifference to him and his opinion today that he wouldn’t normally encounter. Adult Richard was small, but not so small that people treaded him as insignificant.</p><p>Usually.</p><p>Except for himself and Jeremy when they felt like winding him up. James felt mildly guilty, though not to the point where he thought it would encourage him to stop.</p><p>Richard shrugged, and almost read James’s mind. “You guys don’t really trust me normally.”</p><p>“I..” James’s mouth opened.</p><p>“Not like that! I mean trust me to make a sensible decision!”</p><p>“Well, no. I’m not sure that’s heightist so much as experience,” said James, leaning back against the sofa himself.</p><p>“Experience?” Jeremy strode in, catching the end of their conversation.</p><p>“The reason we don’t trust Hamster with anything important,” laughed James, ignoring the smaller boy as he thumped his arm. “We were sympathising about being tired.”</p><p>“I’m dead, does that help?” asked Jeremy, sinking onto the sofa on Richard’s other side and easily encouraging the toddler to cuddle up against him.</p><p>“You’re much too loud to be dead,” commented James, raising his eyebrows.</p><p>“There, see!” said Richard, briefly rising from his comfy spot to be animated again. “Big kids can be tired too!” He collapsed back against Jeremy with a huge yawn.</p><p>James reached out, brushing Richard’s hair back from his face. “Sleep, Hamster,” he whispered, the mumble he got in response telling of how tired the younger boy was. He looked up at Jeremy, grinning in response at the soft, soppy smile he had on his face.</p><p>“Not a word,” whispered Jeremy. “But he really is very cute like this.”</p><p>“Not a word,” agreed James. “I think he’s making me tired just spectating though.”</p><p>Jeremy laughed. “Yeah! Though, that’s not so unusual for our Hamster. Come on, let’s get some kip, then we can get back to a little normality tomorrow.”</p><p>“And we might get to drive that car,” added James quietly, trying to ignore the stab of guilt.</p><p>“He’ll be fine,” said Jeremy, standing up with Richard in his arms, then waiting for James to follow. “I’ll put him in bed.”</p><p>“I’ll be up in a second,” responded James. “I’ll just check everything down here. Don’t forget, don’t leave the titchy clothes on him.”</p><p>“Oh yeah,” grinned Jeremy, shifting Richard onto one arm and raising the other to flex his muscles. “Hulk moment!”</p><p>“I don’t know about the big and green, but maybe angry!” laughed James.</p><p>Jeremy giggled, squeezing Richard to him as he tried to keep the noise down. “SSshh,” he stuttered, starting to climb the stairs, away from James and towards Richard’s room.</p><p>Richard was completely out of it. Jeremy was able to lay him in his bed and completely remove the tiny toddler clothes without him stirring at all, carefully wrapping him in his duvet as James emerged at the top of the stairs.</p><p>“Don’t forget yourself,” added James quietly as he brushed his hand across Richard’s bare shoulder, fondly. “Probably best you don’t hulk out of my clothes too.”</p><p>“Or you,” grinned Jeremy. “Night James. It was fun to meet little you.”</p><p>James raised his eyebrows meaningfully.</p><p>“Somewhat small,” conceded Jeremy, chuckling.</p><p>“Whereas you never seem to shrink at all,” nodded James tiredly. “Night Jez.”</p><p>Jeremy waited until James had entered his room, then turned the remaining lights off and staggered into his own room, barely opening his eyes to get undressed and climb into bed.</p><p>Hopefully normality – such as it was – would resume tomorrow.</p><p> </p>
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